"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"
Psalm 37:4 (NIV)
By Phyllis Ducey
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When I was a little girl, I wanted to be like Lucia at Fatima and be so holy that I would see a vision of the mother of Christ. I stared at church walls for great lengths of time, sure that it would happen if I tried hard enough. I wanted so much to be important and special. I knew the priests and nuns would look at me different. I knew then they would want to listen to me. It didn't take more than a year or so before I realized that was hopeless (must have had to spend too much time in the confessional) .
When we were young in our marriage, we had little money and I really wanted this brown plaid jacket. I knew it would give me just the style that would impress all. I spent more than I should have and did not tell my husband. When I wore it, I never felt good in it.
Since I was a child I had wanted more than anything to have a horse. That stuck in the back of my mind until I was in my 50s and we moved to Minnesota. My husband said that when we get some acreage we could get the horse of my dreams. Well, my fantasy dream of owning a horse became a vision of shivering in the cold winters as I was trying to melt water troughs or shoveling out stalls with clothes pins on my nose and of breaking bones as I fell off the horse. My hubby was quite taken aback when I said I did not want one anymore.
In each life phase I had different desires, each would seem that they would fulfill me in some way, shape or form but it never happened. Most of the time the true desire of my heart was to fit in, be valued and to have someone just want to be around me because they wanted to not because they had to. Even after my marriage (almost 38 years ago) with a dear husband who has always complimented me and wanted to be with me, I had that same deep desire to "fit in". I am sure if a therapist got a hold of me they would say it is that child in me who never had an adult (including parents) give her special attention or tell her anything positive about herself. That my inner child had an emptiness that needed to be filled.
I did not need a therapist though, I needed God. I did not come to know Him from anyone's testimony or sermon but through God's own gentle nudging and proding. It was through seeing the awesome creation of my first child and of knowing that she was more than a bunch of molecules that accidentally collided. I wanted to find out who this Creator was that could form such a precious wonder. I drew from my Catholic background, I found a musty old Bible and searched. As I searched, God gently filled that vacuum in me. I realized He had a purpose and reason for my existence. He - my Creator, Rock and Savior -wanted to spend time with me! He let me know I was truly special and all my abilities were His special gifts to me! What a delight!
As I write this I realize just how much God has given me. He has given me all the desires of my heart but not until my heart was aligned with His... until I found delight in Him and wanted to live per His will. Then the well of emptiness was filled with His Grace.
I have learned that neither possessions nor people can fill the desires of my heart but only God can. That the only true desire that produces change, peace and joy is the desire to follow Him.
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