I’m just a blip in eternity. I will not end up on any major (or minor for that matter) notes in history nor will I be quoted by thousands. I doubt if I will be remembered by more than my grandchildren’s generation. I make mistakes, periodically say the wrong things, and often omit important actions. I am absolutely horrible at acknowledging birthdays, anniversaries or any important occasion for that matter.

Some people would tell you I am a very sweet, thoughtful person. But if someone took time to look deep into my flaws through critical eyes they could say I am thoughtless, absentminded (possibly purposely), and selfish. They would be right. If it counts for anything, I have improved! Not by my own ability though, but by God’s grace. Only through God’s grace.

He asked me to draw near to Him… to follow Him.

After some struggling with my natural instincts to be completely selfish, I was able to begin moving towards Him. I felt Him knocking but was unsure if I truly wanted to open the door.

For a while it was a daily inner battle. Just finding a place to pray was difficult. I finally went into a closet. And one day while in my closet God made it very clear that if I was to choose Him obedience would be necessary. I needed to be honest with my husband. My theory at that time was “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him”.

It was like being submerged into one of those old cartoons where the devil sat on my left shoulder telling me one thing: “why does he have to know that? It’s over.” And the angel on the right shoulder saying: “Tell him. Do it out of obedience to the Lord.” I was in the middle crying, mostly because I agreed with what was being said on the left shoulder and I did not want to deal with telling my husband.

Finally, I stepped out of the closet, sobbing as I reluctantly trudged down the stairs to talk with my husband. He looked at me with incredibly concerned eyes because I don’t usually walk out of closets, let alone crying. At that point I was sobbing so hard I could barely get the words out that I had something to tell him. Soon there was panic in his eyes. I blurted it out. I had screwed up the check book by $600 and borrowed the money from my boss to cover our bills. Normally, that would really irritate my hubby but I think he was so taken aback by my sobbing and so relieved that I wasn’t asking for a divorce or telling him I was cheating on him that he took it with gentleness and love! Or more likely, God went ahead of me and softened his heart.

I am sure we could have lived our whole lives together without me sharing that tidbit of my poor accounting (something I hate to do anyway) with my hubby but for some reason, God used it as a test of my obedience. I honestly think it turned out to be a giant step for me.

Since then God has repeatedly reminded me that:

• I am a sinner. (The dictionary states that a sinner is one who sins (duh?). And sin is: transgression of divine law; a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle: any reprehensible or regrettable action, behavior, lapse, etc.; great fault or offense.)

• by my nature I am selfish/self-centered

• No matter how nice I try to be, I am a failure without Him

• I have no right to judge, only He does

And so much, much more! The amazing thing is that He cared about me when I was sinning (for some reason I am not fond of that word... sounds so archaic). His grace was showered on me and through His son Jesus He made it possible for me to draw near to Him.

I am incredibly valued by my God.
He died for me!
He loves me.
He has blessed me richly!

Vintage necklace by novella

Thank you cards by gigglesapu

Seahorse necklace by sandrapenn